Tuesday, December 26, 2006
IT'S ALMOST NEW YEARSBY POPULAR DEMAND
THE SKINNY WHITE GUY'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2007
Remember you saw it here first!
During a meeting to discuss strategy for the 2008 elections, the President will tell his staff to "Think outside the box and be willing to take a few risks to recapture the hearts of the American people." In response to the Big W's challenge, the Vice President will put five large on an NBA championship game at 20-1 odds and make a killing.
The Secretary of State will sign on with the Lynyrd Skynyrd Band as keyboard player and begin a twenty-six state tour, in order to reconnect with the Republican Party's base.
She will find that she likes it so much that she will consider resigning as Secretary of State and devoting the rest of her life to promoting Southern Rock.
Al Gore will attempt to rekindle his presidential campaign with a series of fiery speeches about the dangers of global warming.
Al Gore will attempt to rekindle his presidential campaign with a series of fiery speeches about the dangers of global warming.
When Fox News reports that Gore's speeches single-handedly raised the temperature of the Arctic Ocean by two degrees, resulting in the loss of 300 square miles of glacial ice, he abandons the Democratic platform and goes back to his Tennessee roots.
Pro gun, pro tobacco, pro fun. Drankin, huntin and chasin girls.
He hires a new campaign manager, leases a new bus and leaves Tipper at home.
He is enthusiastically received by every Red-State male in the South.
Within one month of his resignation from the Cabinet, former Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld will land the job as host of THE NEW PRICE IS RIGHT.
He will be an overnight success, causing ratings to skyrocket.
Within one month of his resignation from the Cabinet, former Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld will land the job as host of THE NEW PRICE IS RIGHT.
He will be an overnight success, causing ratings to skyrocket.
Female cast members will tell a NATIONAL ENQUIRER reporter that he is "Even sexier than Bob Barker."
After his stand up comedy act bombs at clubs across the U.S., John Kerry will take his act to France where he will be an instant success.
After Jared relapses and gains 319 pounds, Denny Hastert will be hired by the SUBWAY restaurant chain as spokesman.
After Jared relapses and gains 319 pounds, Denny Hastert will be hired by the SUBWAY restaurant chain as spokesman.
He will decide not to run for reelection, citing the unhealthy dietary habits of the members of Congress.
After the Labour Party is trounced in the General Election, Tony "Buster" Blair will leave the U.K. and settle in Cleveland, Ohio. He will take up professional bowling and within one year will become the spokesman for the NIKE Corporation.
In the wake of Donald Trump's lawsuit, Rosie will be called on the carpet by Barbara Walters during a live broadcast.
She pulls a 40 caliber semi-automatic pistol and threatens the entire studio audience, then quits and walks off the set.
As part of the settlement of his lawsuit, Donald Trump will take her place on THE VIEW, and take up bullying the cast and crew where Rosie left off.
Rosie surfaces on the World Wrestling Federation as "Rosie the Twenty-Megaton Momma," falls in love and leaves Kelli Carpenter for pro wrestler Triple H.
Senator Barak Obama asks the Skinny White Guy for advice before a meeting with Senator Hillary Clinton, to decide who would make the best candidate for 2008.
The Skinny White Guy recommends a few beers, low lighting and some Barry White music.
Within two hours they are sitting very close and smiling a lot.
When Bubba hears about the meeting, he asks the Skinny White Guy for advice...
When Bubba hears about the meeting, he asks the Skinny White Guy for advice...
He quotes the timeless Otis Redding song
"Try a little tenderness."
Bubba sweeps Hillary off her feet by taking her on a world cruise. They shock the country when they adopt a three year old daughter abroad.
Nine months later the Clinton quintuplets are born. Bill and Hillary present Buford, Cletus, Earl, Buddy and Junior Clinton to an eager public.
Nine months later the Clinton quintuplets are born. Bill and Hillary present Buford, Cletus, Earl, Buddy and Junior Clinton to an eager public.
Against his physician's advice the Vice President will enter the annual NATHAN'S CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST.
AND WIN
He'll spend the next two weeks at Bethesda Naval Hospital having his coronary arteries cleared.
Disgusted by Congressional Democrats success at blocking an up-or-down-vote on his appointment as UN Ambassador, John Bolton will retire from the government and take up his first love, competition skating.
Disgusted by Congressional Democrats success at blocking an up-or-down-vote on his appointment as UN Ambassador, John Bolton will retire from the government and take up his first love, competition skating.
He wins the US Championship and opens up his own skateboard shop/tattoo/piercing parlor.
In a stunning bipartisan move that shocks Capitol Hill watchers, Mr. T will be confirmed as the American Ambassador to the United Nations in a 100 - 0 vote.
He yells "Shut-up fool!" at the Iranian Ambassador during his first day on the job.
Former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Anan will adopt the stage name Kofi Annandez and begin a new career as a Salsa DJ. Within six months he will host the highest rated show on Telemundo.
In an attempt to appeal to minority voters, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will record a rap album with Curtis "Fitty Cent" Jackson. He will win a Grammy and consider leaving politics.
After months of behind the scenes acrimony, the bad blood behind Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Congresswoman Jane Harman will reach a boiling point.
After the Speaker makes an untoward comment about her shoes, the Gentle Lady from California's 36th District lashes out.
The House Minority Leader wins a $20 bet with the Majority Whip on the outcome of the tussle.
The House Minority Leader wins a $20 bet with the Majority Whip on the outcome of the tussle.
The Skinny White Guy will spend 2007 going everywhere, meeting everyone and doing everything.
If there is an important world event, he'll be there.
In the interest of national security, his clandestine operations with an agent that bears a striking resemblance to Jennifer Anniston can't be discussed. You understand. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
skinny.white.guy@hotmail.com
THE RIGHT THING IN SIXTY MINUTES at
www.5thstoryreview.com
In the interest of national security, his clandestine operations with an agent that bears a striking resemblance to Jennifer Anniston can't be discussed. You understand. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
skinny.white.guy@hotmail.com
THE RIGHT THING IN SIXTY MINUTES at
www.5thstoryreview.com
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